I am fine.
My name is Yoshino Aoyama.
While walking remains the number one means of transportation, the rankings vary depending on each person’s lifestyle. Trains are slightly ahead, while buses, bicycles, and small motorbikes are fighting tooth and nail to take the top spot, but in the past few months, while each has been a little complacent, a powerful dark horse has appeared.
It’s a plane.
1st: Walking
2nd: Train
3rd: Plane
It turned out to be a tremendous upset.
I’ve been flying more frequently than I’ve in recent years. On domestic flights, I was able to take advantage of my experience, and by getting away from Japan, I was able to eat meals on the plane without feeling embarrassed.
Every time I head to Haneda Airport, I remember little by little what life was like 10 years ago. My mind insists that I don’t remember, but my body just goes along with it. Someone in my head is telling me, “It was so close to where you were.”
The cafe latte, filled with inertia and vanity, and the pasta that I noticed had a foreign object in it but couldn’t bring myself to say, “There’s something in it,” are now both stored in my heart as flavors of the past.
One of the reasons I revere the past is that I had an extremely good memory. I can recall almost every sound, sight, color, and temperature of a particular memory with great clarity. But I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night. That’s because last night’s dinner is not enough to fill my heart.
Oh yes, I also went to the US about a month ago. It had been a while since I had been on such a long flight, and I had discovered many ways to make the most of the in-flight experience, so I couldn’t help but want to try them all.
We hop on the plane and get everything ready for about 11 hours of excitement.
I downloaded radio archives (official channels) of various comedians, season 3 of The Bachelorette on Amazon Prime, and some anime, and I was ready to go. I like the slight contradiction of watching videos posted online while offline, because it feels special.
However, once we got on board, we were unexpectedly busy eating and sleeping. Everything served was fresh, and the sound of the dishes clattering together was drowned out by the roar of the engine. We picked up the ice-cold cutlery with more care than usual, and finished our meals as quickly as ever.
While I was doing this, I felt sleepiness sneak up on me from behind.
I was so excited, but why was I so sleepy? I looked at the clock and saw that it was midnight Japan time. My energy gauge, which is what they call Pokemon Sleep, should have been depleted to the point where it was close to zero.
Entertainment is a bit too much for a body with zero HP, and to be honest, when it came to watching the Bachelor series, I have a group of friends that only get together to watch it, so I downloaded it as insurance due to the ephemerality of only being able to see them a few times a year, but the importance of watching it with those friends outweighed my curiosity.
(…I’m writing this at the beginning of July. It’s the end of August and I’m already excited about the next reality show. I feel a sense of pride that changes. If I had been born 1,000 years ago, I would have called this “wabi-sabi.”)
After eating my fill, I watched a movie on the plane while fighting off the sleepiness that was attacking me. There was a movie called “Kingsman.” This one also brings back memories. I saw it as part of my interest in various movies and art when I was still able to enjoy them as I pleased.
Even though I’m not good at reading katakana, I quickly remembered Colin Firth’s name, and I still can recite the line, “Manners maketh man,” with the actions included.
My fingers started moving out of nostalgia, but then about two hours passed in “nothingness,” neither watching, waking up, nor sleeping. My eyes and ears had no energy left to take in the information, and it was a time spent simply talking to my own heart.
As I reflect on today’s work, I feel like I’m a character from the anime Saikano.
I feel as if I am seeing myself in the acting of my seniors, whose souls are clashing, and I feel pathetic and hopelessly frustrated.
I want to be more and more with the book. I believe that the nail marks on the back of my hand will be good fuel, and that the continued burning of my heart will lead to tomorrow’s realization. I get up and open the script again.
When I think about it, all the things I am talking about now are not from the path of my life. This is obvious, but all the emotions I am talking about as “now” are made up of things from the past.
Lately I’ve been looking at everything my old self felt so intently that I feel a little scared to be speaking as if it were something another person experienced.
What everyone wants to know is, of course, what they don’t know. They want the right answer, but they want an haute couture opinion that goes beyond the realm of basics.
Since I make a living by fitting myself into other people’s roles, perhaps I am no longer capable of generating original emotions.
Such fear, dismay, and resignation.
I was reminded of that.
I wanted to end this post with my memories of that flight, but after writing such a long piece for the first time in a while, I ended up producing a confusing lump again. I had intended to write an exciting travelogue.
However, I am able to encounter and remember these feelings because there is space within me.
Recently, I haven’t had much time to sit down and think about my heart, and I’ve been chasing after 100 points every day. I realized that the restrictions that force you to be unable to move are, in a way, an irreplaceable freedom that allows you to look at yourself.
Well, that’s about it for now.
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to update for a while.
I would be happy if you continue to read this column at a comfortable distance, sometimes looking at each other and sometimes moving away.
I am alive all over the place, with a healthy body and a healthy mind.
Goodbye.
Yoshino Aoyama
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